What I’m about to share with you is the truth. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not holding anything back anymore. For so long I was confused by life, religion and the authority I wanted over my own destiny. And in my inability to control my life, I began to step into depression especially as I lost the ability to control my weight. I know it seems so superficial, but my weight was a prison sentence to me, and I tried to escape it through medication and alcohol. What I’m sharing in this blog is the very thing I wish someone would’ve told me when I was desperately seeking answers to the questions that I couldn’t even articulate, when I was at my lowest. So, here goes…
I grew up as a Christian. I knew of Jesus, but not really about Jesus. I knew 1 bible verse that I had memorized for a church play. But that was about the extent of my faith. This was my reality through college and into my 30’s. And at about the age of 35 I began to ‘Seek’ something greater than myself. But I wasn’t seeking Jesus in particular, but I was seeking something. In full disclosure, I thought Jesus wasn’t cool enough for me. I didn’t want ‘religion’. I wanted something I could relate to. Something that completed me in a way that I could feel myself needing. But I had no idea what it was, nor where to find it. So, I started with EVERYTHING except the Bible. I took the yoga classes, bought the books, subscribed to the theories and methodologies of the New Age movement and I found myself fitting in with the cool moms all around me. Truthfully, I did find something as I listened to the recordings of Ram Dass from the mid-70’s and found myself feeling fulfilled as I took my thoughts deeper. But still…something was missing. And then that still small voice inside of me began to speak more loudly. Above the chaos I began to hear something different. I doubted for a while that I was hearing from God. I was confident I was just losing my mind and needed to get out more. But the ‘voice’ was different and worth my attention. This change in the voice inside of my head seemed to be stronger and more authoritative in getting my attention. And then one day, I heard the voice prompting me to “Surrender”. I was immediately put off by that. So, I went about my life, seeking to control every aspect of it, filling in the gaps of disappointment and despair with alcohol and food. I even added a 2nd anti-depressant to my prescription because I had convinced my doctor, somehow, that I was depressed still even on just 1 anti-depressant. Until one morning, something shifted. As I journaled and asked the universe to guide me, I heard the voice inside of me instruct me to “Ask any question and I’ll answer it.” I was thrown off by this question because I surely knew everything, so how could I ask myself a question I didn’t know!? I thought about it for a few minutes until I gave up because I began to get fearful that I was really just losing my mind. And then that night I went to bed. As I laid there, I heard the voice ask me if I “had a question yet”. And IMMEDIATELY I thought, “Yes! I don’t know the difference between God, Jesus and The Lord.” And instantly I heard the voice respond with this answer, “I am Jesus Christ, Lord of the Land. Like a landlord, I walked the land. I am The Lord.” I remember opening my eyes up widely in disbelief and shock! I SPRUNG OUT of bed and ran downstairs where my husband was still awake, watching the news. I excitedly asked him, (Mr. Bible Scholar), “Is Jesus Christ the Lord!?” and he said, “Yes, why?” and I said, “He just told me he was, and I never knew that!” In THAT MOMENT I knew I wasn’t talking to myself; I was somehow connected to something. And in that moment, I felt like I was finally finding whatever I’d been seeking. I was beyond shocked, surprised and thankful. I was in a state of disbelief. This was the beginning of my new life. You see, until that point, I was seeking the Universe for help. I was consuming ALL of the hype around doing everything myself and basically making an idol of myaccomplishments. I had NO idea that by seeking the world, its’ approval and becoming autonomous, that I was rejecting God. James 4:4 says, “Don’t you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? If you want to be a friend with the world, you make yourself an enemy of God.” I was worshipping everything about this world and was void of God entirely, with the exception of being a good person, and thinking that being a good person made me a Christian somehow. My life changed that day. That was the day that I began to truly seek what my heart knew I needed. I needed God. I needed to worship God and not myself, or this world. And you know what? My life has NEVER been better. I feel like I have purpose, guidance and love at all times, at my fingertips. No more do I seek to impress others.I desire to please God and in so doing, my life is complete. My prayer in sharing this with you today is that you will hear the truth that NO one ever shared with me. That maybe YOU will find truth in the what James 4:4 has to say about worshipping the world and not God. If you care about your eternal experience, go and look up James 4:4 for yourself; DON’T take my word for it. That still small voice inside of you will come alive the minute you decide to surrender to its guidance. And dare I say it…even in weight loss!